This is probably the narrative equivalent of painting with your eyes closed.
Scene: A medieval-looking castle with modern attachments (movie posters, etc…). Dining hall. A long, wooden table. KING and QUEEN sit at the table with PRINCESS JESSICA and her suitor, LORD MICHAEL. All eat a primitive-looking feast with their bare hands. KING and QUEEN look amused as LORD MICHAEL stands before them, attempting to enthrall them with his tales and woo the disinterested-looking PRINCESS. He wears a cape and a sheathed sword around his waist.
LORD: (speaks like Errol Flynn) …so there I was in the middle of the most dangerous jungle in all of Africa, surrounded by three lions. I knew that the slightest betrayal of weakness would set them upon me. You see, m’lady, a true knight must have a heart of steel in the direst of circumstances. So I drew my sword from its sheath, raised it up to the gods, and with an earth shattering cry… “COME AND GET ME.” …I invited their atta…
PRINCESS: (yawning) And you slew them one by one. How brave and… masculine of you.
KING: Jessica, let the young man speak. Truly a man with such adventures is worthy of your time.
QUEEN: Yes, do go on, Lord Michael.
LORD: With pleasure, my lords. …I waited tensely for their attack, sword held high, but they never struck. One by one, they lay on the ground and began purring lazily. I had defeated them with my valor alone. My mind is a weapon every bit as sharp as my rapier. Exhausted, and now comfortable in the safety of their presence, I lay down among them and napped.
Princess attempts to hold in a laugh
LORD: (unabashed) With a start, I awoke to a cacophony in the trees among me. As the noise drew nearer, the lions awoke and abruptly ran off. Cowards. I rose and picked up my sword just in time to meet the herd of wild boars charging toward my clearing! I skewered all but one. This last, I looked in the eye and told, ‘run now, lest you meet the same fate!’ You see, Princess, even in mortal danger, I had the presence and fortitude to show mercy to so helpless a creature. The remaining 27 boars are the very ones I brought here, as my gift to you, my lords.
PRINCESS: (mumbling) Oh God…
PRINCESS pulls out her cell phone and begins texting someone. QUEEN elbows her in the shoulder.
KING: Bravo! And a fine feast it has been. I marvel at your skill, Lord Michael. I beg you to come hunting with me in the forest tomorrow. With you by my side, I won’t even need the royal guard!
LORD: With pride, my lord
Smiling smugly, the LORD sits at the KING’s left hand. While they chat animatedly, attention shifts to the PRINCESS and QUEEN.
PRINCESS: He’s such a pompous prig, mother. And that story… are there even wild boars in African jungles?
QUEEN: Give him a chance, darling. He’s handsome and rich, and, well… It might have been true…
PRINCESS: Don’t be ridiculous!
QUEEN: That’s beside the point, Jessica. You know how important it is to be well-protected and provided for in days like these. It’s not the good old 20th century anymore.
LORD MICHAEL lets out a hearty HA-HAHA as he stands up and shakes hands with the KING. He walks around the table to PRINCESS JESSICA and lifts her hand.
LORD: My lady, will you give me the pleasure of your company on a short walk through the courtyard?
PRINCESS: (looking at the expectant faces of her parents and smiling weakly) Um… Sure.
LORD and PRINCESS walk to the other side of the stage.
LORD: I would be happy to take you as my wife.
PRINCESS: Take me?
LORD: Surely princess, and in these evil times, I would protect you. I have slain many beasts and monsters of the night. Women stare serendipitously as I pass. You could be the lucky one, and bear their jealousy as a trophy.
PRINCESS: What an honor!
MICHAEL looks at her uneasily. An emergency weather siren sounds in the distance.
PRINCESS: The day is clear. Could it be another mass attack? I thought that most of the armies were long since destroyed. Only vestiges remain.
LORD: All but one, my lady. Check your phone.
PRINCESS: No service!
LORD: It is as I feared. I must fight them off for your king.
PRINCESS: Why don’t I have service? What the hell is going on?
LORD: The Foil Falcon Army is all that remains of the Kitchen Revolt of ’37. Their attacks are little known and documented because their swarms block all chance of phone contact. Get behind me, lady! Here they come!
(Lord draws his sword as crumpled up pieces of foil begin swinging across the stage; screeching like nails on a chalkboard. He begins to swing wildly while ducking away from them, as the Princess ducks near him)
LORD: Ah! Cover your ears, lest they bleed!
PRINCESS: Hmm… this is strange.
LORD: Argh… They are so elusive. And the hunting dogs will be no help. Ever seen a dog’s face when it bites into foil?
PRINCESS: Yes, but… They don’t look very dangerous. Thank god we captured most of the Fork Army. They were devastating to our tomato crops.
LORD: Tomahto, princess. You know that pronunciation is impolite.(he continues to duck away and swing wildly)
Attention shifts back to the KING and QUEEN.
KING: Did you hear something?
QUEEN: Hmm… No.
KING: Must be my imagination.
Back to the LORD and PRINCESS.
PRINCESS: (now standing upright) Oh, and remember the Roller Pin Revolution? The Royal Gardener is still complaining about his flattened flowerbeds. He said he just found another one last week rolling around in his Petunias.
LORD: Really, princess. Ack! This is no time for reminiscing!
LORD MICHAEL whirls around and finally makes contact with a piece of foil. Another slowly approaches him. He lets out a high pitched scream and dives out of the way.
PRINCESS: Oh, and remember when the spatulas invaded the castle and flipped over all the furniture?
LORD: Run, princess! Their numbers are too great for me! Save yourself! The screeching is unbearable!
LORD MICHAEL runs around with one arm covering his head, not even looking now as he swings at the air above him.
PRINCESS: Well… I mean, I’ll walk inside and ask for help if that’s what you want.
LORD: I’m sorry princess! I am defeated!
LORD MICHAEL drops his sword and wraps himself up in a fetal position.
PRINCESS: (to herself) Good god. Is he serious?
PRINCESS JESSICA walks over to LORD MICHAEL’s sword. Brandishing it, she thrusts purposefully at the Foil Falcon Army hoard. Foil drops at her feet.
LORD: Wh-what’s happening? A savior? Am I dead?
PRINCESS: I have yet to see the danger, but you are safe at my side, Lord Michael.
The attack subsides. LORD MICHAEL looks around dazedly before jumping to his feet.
LORD: Ah! You are very brave to have picked up my sword, princess. But you are lucky they did not recognize your wish to fight. They would have devoured you! (beat) I can’t wait to tell your father how I fought off wave after wave of the ferocious Foil Falcons to save his helpless and frightened daughter!
PRINCESS JESSICA shakes her head and looks up to the sky in disgust. She pulls out her phone and begins texting. LORD MICHAEL moves to follow her.
LORD: Now, as I was saying, Princess… I am also rich… I have real, stationary silverware back in my castle, for example… and very high threadcount sheets… (continues talking at her as lights fade to black)
benknauff 