Ancient history: Movie Review: The Princess Bride

Posted on by knauff13

Movie Review: The Princess Bride

            The Princess Bride is the hilarious tale of true love. Cary Elwes and Robin Wright star in the 1984 film, with acclaimed director Rob Reiner at the helm.

The film is the big-screen rendition of William Goldman’s 1970 book, The Princess Bride. The story centers around Wesley (Elwes) and Buttercup (Wright), two young lovers who are separated by poverty. Five years after their separation, Buttercup agrees to marry the prince of her land, with the assumption that Wesley–who never returned–is dead. Soon Wesley returns and immediately begins his attempts to retrieve Buttercup from the evil prince.

A spectacular cast highlights this very funny comedy. In one of his first roles, Fred Savage (Wonder Years) plays a sick young boy who is read the love story by his grandfather. Andre Rousimoff(also known as Andre the Giant), plays Fezzik, a big-hearted giant. Billy Crystal plays a hermit magician named Miracle Max. Mandy Patinkin (from Dick Tracy) plays Inigo Montoya, a drunkard master swordsman. Christopher Guest turns in a great performance as the villainous prince.

The soundtrack adds to the film with a well-written score. Singer/songwriter Mark Knopfler, of the band Dire Straits, created the music for the film. He also wrote a romantic song for the movie, called “Storybook Love.” The music does well to portray the story’s themes of love and violence. It is soft and romantic during touching parts, but loud and shrieking when fighting occurs.

Ancient history: Movie Review: King Arthur

Posted on by knauff13

Movie Review: King Arthur

            King Arthur is not the typical Arthurian story of Camelot and shining knights in the middle ages. In fact, this story, based on real archaeological evidence, makes Arthur a knight during the decline of Rome.

Arthur (Clive Owen) is a famed Roman general in Britain, who commands several knights to protect the British area from attacks by Saxons. His knights are all native to the country, but were captured by Romans when they invaded Britain. Eventually, Rome decides to abandon the area, and charges Arthur and his knights to find and safely retrieve a Roman man deep inside enemy territory. Their reward for their deeds would thus be freedom.

This movie is an exciting and touching realistic view of Arthurian legend. The movie opens with fighting and ends with the marriage of Arthur and Gwenevere (Keira Knightley). Owen turns in a masterful performance, accurately portraying Arthur’s sadness for his knights and his respect for democracy.

With stunning visual effects and fight scenes, King Arthur is a “can’t-miss” film.

Ancient history: A brief biography of Herb Brooks

Posted on by knauff13

Herb Brooks: American Hero

            He may be the most influential coach ever to live, yet until a recent movie brought him back into the spotlight, the average American did not even know his name. Although it is easy to take a snapshot in time and appreciate it as just that, the story of Herb Brooks began a long time before 1980, and his legend continued to grow long after the conclusion of those Winter Games.

“The strength of hockey in the United States is a testament to Herb Brooks and the historic Olympic triumph in 1980,” NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said shortly after Brooks’ recent death. Herb Brooks’ life abruptly ended on August 11, 2003. He fell asleep at the wheel on his way home from scouting players for the Pittsburgh Penguins north of Minneapolis (Kovacevic).

The triumph Bettman refers to, of course, is the incredible run of the 1980 US Men’s Olympic Hockey team, a group of inexperienced college kids who shocked the world by winning gold against some of the best players in the world. The hockey world will never forget Brooks for the way he led, prodded, and pulled his team to victory. The “Miracle on Ice,” as it is referred to, was no miracle, though. It was a long time coming for a coach who poured his life and soul into the team he coached.

Brooks was born in White Bear Lake, Minnesota, a town near St. Paul. Though Brooks was best known as a coach, as a young man he was an excellent player himself. He tasted success for the first time at a very early age. The Johnson High School hockey team that he played on as a senior won the state championship in 1955. After graduation from Johnson High School, Brooks attended the University of Minnesota until 1959. At the “U,” as he came to know it, Brooks would continue his hockey career, garnering three varsity letters in his time there.

Shortly after completion of college, Brooks became a member of the 1960 US Olympic Ice Hockey team. This experience gave him the drive and desire that paved the way for the rest of Brooks’ career. He sincerely hoped that he would be able to play, but as the Olympic Games drew near, he found that he would not be able to achieve his goal. The coach had to trim the roster down to meet the maximum player allotment for the Games, and Brooks was the very last player cut. That team would go on to win a gold medal, while Herb Brooks could do nothing but observe. He never gave up, though. Four years later Brooks stayed in the lineup, four years after that he was named captain of the team. The 1968 games would essentially spell the end for Brooks as a player, however.

Although he continued playing for several years, Brooks found his real niche in life in 1972. By this time, Brooks was a bit too old to keep playing at a high level. What made him such a great player, though, was his innate ability to lead. This ability, he found, would translate excellently to coaching. A good coach has the ability to gather respect from his players, and use that respect to move everyone toward a common goal. From the very outset of his coaching career, Brooks would prove himself extremely adept in this area.

When the University of Minnesota decided to hire Herb Brooks as their new hockey coach in 1972, they probably thought of him as a work in progress. He was a great player and leader on the ice, but those attributes don’t necessarily translate well to coaching with no previous experience behind the bench. In addition, the team that Brooks was given had finished dead last in the Western Collegiate Hockey Association a year earlier. Two years later, Brooks brought home an NCAA Division-I National Championship for his alma mater. Hockey fans now realize that with Brooks as a coach, it is prudent to expect the unexpected.

“Herb Brooks’ tremendous ability to lead was surpassed only by his brilliance as a hockey strategist,” said Lou Vairo, an assistant coach of Brooks’ during the 2002 Olympic Games.

Although he was a champion already, Brooks was never satisfied. His Minnesota teams would win two more championships in the seven years he coached there. Eventually he compiled a 165-96-18 record as the University’s coach. He still holds the highest all-time NCAA tournament winning percentage with eight wins and 1 loss, and became the only coach to lead an NCAA Division-I team to a National Championship without a single foreign player (Complete Herb Brooks Bio). Eventually he became known for coaching with a “prickly personality and fanatical preparation.” It was not unusual for Brooks to single out a player if he thought it would motivate them to play at a higher level. He would prepare for games incessantly, but not by watching films of other teams. “Those who spent time with him on the ice said he could watch five minutes of a practice and perform a comprehensive evaluation of a player,” (Kovacevic) He liked to believe his players had the innate ability to win. It was just a matter of playing to their potential. His success with the Golden Gophers of the University of Minnesota soon vaulted him into a position coaching the long-shot 1980 US Men’s Olympic Ice Hockey team.

Today, Olympic teams are filled with the biggest stars from around the world, but the team Brooks was hired to coach stands in stark contrast. The team was composed entirely of kids in college or fresh out of it, while European rosters were dotted with experienced professional stars.  As a result, Brooks “held numerous tryout camps, which included psychological testing, before selecting a roster from among several hundred prospects” (Fitzpatrick). After tryouts, the team spent about a year and a half under the tutelage of Brooks. Brooks, who knew that the US team had no chance of matching the talent of European players, emphasized conditioning and discipline. Consequently, the time his players spent with him was somewhat grueling both mentally and physically. Several players also still held grudges from past college games, and Brooks often united them against himself. He knew that before his players could play for him, they must first be able to play with each other as a team. He continually asked them if they wanted it enough, and several confrontations ended in shouting matches (Fitzpatrick). At some points it seemed it might be a struggle just to keep his players playing for him.

“He messed with our minds at every opportunity,” said forward Mike Ramsey.

As the 1980 Olympics neared, Brooks’ team was looking competitive. They were fast enough and conditioned enough to skate with anyone, even if the talent wasn’t there. In the opening round the team struggled a bit at first against Sweden, but beat Czechoslovakia 7-3. Consecutive victories against Norway, Romania, and Germany sent the team into a semifinal match-up with the USSR, a favorite to win the gold medal. The Soviet team was made up of veterans in their prime, including Vladislav Tretiak, considered to be the best goaltender in the world. In addition, the whole nation was looking to this team for some kind of hope during a time when everything looked bleak. The Cold War was in full force. Fuel prices were skyrocketing because of supposed shortages. Tensions were high between nations, especially the United States and the Soviet Union. Brooks knew he had to say something before the game to get his players to relax and realize their potential.

“You were meant to be here,” he said. “This moment is yours.”

In sixty minutes, one of the hardest fought hockey games in history was over. The United States came out on top. Two days and one championship game later, the Americans were standing on the winner’s podium with gold medals around their necks. The nation’s youth watched it happen, and a sudden exponential growth in hockey interest developed. Given this sudden surge in interest for hockey, it is no wonder that Brooks and his team would win the 1980 Lester Patrick Award, given for outstanding service to hockey in the United States.

After his incredible success with the Olympic team, Brooks was hired as head coach of the New York Rangers of the NHL. His winning ways didn’t falter. He was named 1982 NHL Coach of the Year by his peers in his first year of coaching, and soon reached 100 wins faster than any coach in franchise history. He continued coaching the Rangers until 1985. His NHL coaching career also took him to Minnesota, New Jersey, and Pittsburgh.

Partway through the 1999-2000 season for the Pittsburgh Penguins, Brooks stepped in as head coach. With 29 wins (including his 200th as head coach), Herb guided yet another team into the playoffs (Kovacevic). The Penguins would eventually exit in the second round of playoffs, and Brooks decided to retire permanently. He said he wanted to spend time with his family, but many believe that the players, with their gigantic egos, had driven him away. He remained in a scouting and player development capacity with the Penguins for the rest of his career, even spurning a million dollar deal to coach the Rangers in 2002.

Tragically, Brooks’ life would come to an untimely end shortly after the Penguins named him Director of Player Development in the organization. Disney Studios recently chronicled the inspirational story of his 1980 Olympic hockey team in its’ 2003 movie, Miracle. Brooks was extremely honored to be depicted on screen. In support of the film, he talked several times with movie star Kurt Russell, who portrays Brooks on the big screen. He passed away too soon to see the picture made. The movie, seen by thousands of children who have only heard mention of the great “Miracle on Ice,” will probably inspire still more children to play hockey for the first time.

In regard to his 1980 Hockey team, Brooks once said, “We are the makers of dreams, the dreamers of dreams. We should be dreaming. We grew up as kids having dreams, but now we’re too sophisticated as adults, as a nation. We stopped dreaming. We should always have dreams. I’m a dreamer.” Indeed, it was Brooks’ dream which inspired thousands of kids to lace up their skates for the first time. All great coaches aid the success of their own teams, but it is a select few who aid in the growth of their very sport. His contributions to the growth of hockey make him possibly the most influential coach in history.

 

 

Works Cited

“Complete Herb Brooks Bio.” USAHockey.com. 8 Feb. 2006

<http://www.usahockey.com/usa_hockey/main_site/main/home/herbbrooksbio/

herbbrooksbio/herbbrooksbio//>.

 

Fitzpatrick, Jamie. “Miracle on Ice: American Hockey’s Defining Moment.” About.com.

30 Jan. 2006 <http://proicehockey.about.com/cs/history/a/mriacle_on_ice.htm&gt;

 

Kovacevic, Dejan. “Brooks Dies in Crash.” Pittsburgh Post Gazette 12 August 2003: A1.

Ancient history: News story based on an informal Q&A with Harrison Ford

Posted on by knauff13

Harrison Ford

            He is among the most popular actors of the 20th century. Harrison Ford has starred in dozens of hit films, including the second-grossing film of all time, Star Wars. So what does it take to be such a popular actor? This was the topic of discussion in a recent informal interview after a screening of his hit new movie, Firewall.

When asked how he makes his roles come to life, Ford’s jovial side shined through. “Well, there is money involved,” he said.

Ford explained that acting is his job. As such, he takes it very seriously, and gives it everything he has.

Another subject of discussion was the choosing of scripts. Ford offered several things that pass through his mind as he mulls a script. He said he likes scripts that are different and challenging, but most of all he looks for scripts that will be entertaining.

“I think this is a service occupation where we are storytellers, and there’s no sense in telling stories that people don’t want to hear,” Ford said.

Looking forward, he said he would like to do a comedy at some point, because his resume is loaded with dramas, but the category of comedy is left wanting so far.

Ford, who early in his life worked as a carpenter and messenger boy for popular rock band The Doors, reflected on what made him decide to be an actor. As a philosophy major in college, he was looking for a class that would be an easy grade. He picked a drama class. Little did he know just how challenging it would be. At first he was scared witless, but angry with himself he became determined to overcome the feeling.

“When I did, I also found that what I was engaged in, with people trying to tell a story, was something that felt better than any other thing I’d ever done before,” he said.

He never planned on being a popular actor, though.

“I thought I was going to be a character actor. I thought I would be lucky to get jobs in television and stuff,” he said.

When Star Wars hit the screen in the 70’s, he quickly realized that he had a lot more to offer.

Since then, Ford has been in one hit film after another. He has played the consummate good guy in Indiana Jones, and the secretive bad guy in What Lies Beneath. With Indiana Jones 4 due for initial filming in summer 2006, expect to see more from this great actor soon.

Ancient history: Movie Review: Cinderella Man

Posted on by knauff13

Cinderella Man

            Cinderella Man is the inspiring story of James Braddock, the boxing legend who rose from poverty to win the heavyweight title during the great Depression. His story is so far-fetched, no one would believe it if it wasn’t true.

Braddock’s incredible story begins in the 1920’s, when Braddock was an up-and-coming challenger for the World Heavyweight Title. Sadly, his career was slowly de-railed by injuries to his hands. In the 1930’s, the midst of the depression, Braddock was stripped of eligibility to fight after breaking his hand in a “beer league” type match. Several years later, Braddock was given the chance to fight in Madison Square Garden for a boxer who pulled out lame, and he shocked the audience by winning. Several bouts later, Braddock was the heavyweight champion.

Although its box office take was not overly impressive, Cinderella Man is a great movie. According to respected talk show host Larry King, it is “one of the best movies ever!” Star Russell Crowe turns in a tear-jerking performance that allows Braddock’s deep love for his family to shine through. Renee Zellweger and Paul Giamatti round out a sparkling cast.

He had a lot to work with, but director Ron Howard made the most out of this uplifting story. You can feel the emotions in every scene: Braddock’s love for his family, the sadness of the depression, and the crowd’s support for the true underdog to win. A worthy film for any audience, Cinderella Man is one to see.

Ancient History: The Music Store: An Epilogue to The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

Posted on by knauff13

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This story dates back to my Freshman year of college. In my Writing 111 class, in which we read Carson McCullers’ classic novel, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, I received an assignment with the choice of: a) writing an essay, or b) writing a narrative “before or after Hunter in the life of the character you’ve been studying since Week 3.” In my case, this was the young aspiring musician Mick Kelly, and I chose to briefly check in on her life a few years after the conclusion of the novel.

Please understand that I do not consider this extended ending an improvement on McCullers’ novel in any way whatsoever!

Also, shout out to Ms. Garrison at Westminster College, who assigned this project, and whom I still consider one of my greatest influences on my desire to write. I am very grateful to have fallen into her class Freshman year.

The Music Store

On June 1, 1939, Mick Kelly walked down a Birmingham street on her way to work. Alone with her thoughts and the sounds of the city, she thought about the past five years that led her to this point. After her parents were forced to give up the house, she bought a bus ticket for the farthest distance she could afford and ended up in this Alabama town. Hoping to get a fresh start on her musical career, she found a job at Records and Reeds, a small music store. Unfortunately, the work involved took up so much of her time and paid so poorly that she could do little else but work and sleep. Time went by slowly and miserably. Suddenly, she was seventeen, with no family, no money, a shabby apartment, and no one to go to.

Thirty minutes later, Mick slouched into Records and Reeds. Her brusque manager gave her a cursory glance and a “Hmph,” as he looked back down at the guitar he was patiently stringing. Mick wove her way through the inventory scattered throughout the store. She began her usual task of dusting and cleaning every inch of the place. Mick’s job description was very clear: Clean Everything All The Time. When customers were in the store (which wasn’t often), she was expected to help them find what the needed (not necessarily what they wanted) and then resume her cleaning. Under no circumstances was she allowed to touch the instruments or records, ever. Luckily for Mick, her manager was often outside the store doing errands and looking for instruments and records to bring back to his store at discount prices.

It was during these times that Mick was able to take advantage of her job, and she certainly didn’t let the time go to waste. She usually spent at least an hour every day, either practicing on piano or trying out something new. Several times, her manager had come back earlier than expected. When he caught her, he would deduct the entire day’s pay, something that Mick could not afford to lose. As a result, she was constantly behind with her rent, and her gaunt figure was a sorry sight.

Despite his gruff greeting, her manager was unusually nice all day. “Please help the customers, Mick,” he said with a sympathetic smile. The “customers” were a skinny old man who looked around silently for a few minutes before easing his way out of the store. Nice as he had been, her manager still piled on the work, and Mick was exhausted by the end of the day.

Finishing her nightly chores, she made her way to the back room, where her manager was waiting to pay her for the day’s work. She hoped for her normal pay of $1.50, because her rent was long overdue. As she opened the door, her manager stood in the middle of the room with an envelope. She took it from his hand and found it to reveal a $5.00.

“Why are you giving me this much?” She started to ask, but the words died on her lips. The solemn look on her manager’s face told her everything she needed to know. Her time at Records & Reeds was over.

“The music ain’t sellin’,” her manager said anyway, sensing her question. “Hope this keeps yeh on your feet.”

Tears welling in her eyes, Mick made her way out of the store and back up the street toward her apartment. She walked in the front door of the building to find her landlord seated near the entryway.

“I don’t have my rent right now, but I will very, very soon, I promise,” Mick stammered.

“It’s too late, Mick. You owe me a month and a half, and you haven’t paid me on time in six months!”

“Please, just give me a chance. I just lost my job and I have nowhere to go…”

“I’m sorry. I have to pay my own bills.”

“How long do I have to get my stuff?”

“You can stay until noon tomorrow.”

Mick barely heard her as she brushed past to the staircase. She reached her small apartment and opened the door to find a dark room. She didn’t even bother to light a candle as she made her way through the room to her bed. Burying her face in her flat pillow, she cried herself to sleep.

Mick woke as the sun’s rays began to find their way into her window. Gathering all of her possessions in a small duffel bag, she walked out of her former apartment and building and onto the sidewalk. Glancing left, she turned to the right and walked toward the city limits. She reached the rural areas that surrounded the city by noon. As she walked on beside the road she glanced up to see a signpost reading “Atlanta – 100.”

With her eyes stuck firmly on the ground, Mick raised her thumb in the air. Four cars drove by within an hour, but none slowed. Mick walked on, music playing almost imperceptibly in her head.

Book Review: The Authorities

Posted on by knauff13

(Originally posted on Geeks and Geeklets)

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Title: The Authorities

Author: Scott Meyer

Published: September 28, 2015

Pages: 328

Genre: Mystery/Comedy

Kid Friendly Rating: 12+ The book opens with a non-sexual scene involving an adult toy, but it is mostly PG-PG-13 on balance. Contains some violence, mostly in the form of suspects resisting arrest.

Synopsis: Sinclair Rutherford is a fastidious young officer in the Seattle police department. His brown-nosing and generally over-eager manner have made him the subject of scorn and ridicule among senior members of the force. After a high-profile arrest involving an inappropriate object lands Rutherford in his Captain’s doghouse, Rutherford is recruited for a dream job by a local billionaire assembling his own crack team of crime-solving experts.

Over the course of his first investigation with his new team, Rutherford finds himself in a series of varying levels of uncomfortable situations. Rutherford does his best to save his dignity while finding his footing with his new team and following leads on a notorious murder case.

Scott Meyer is quickly becoming one of my favorite comical fiction writers. For information on a few of his other works, you can check out my review of his hilarious Master of Formalities , or Sarindre’s review of the equally funny and creative Off to be the Wizard (book 1 of an entertaining ongoing series).

If the cover of this book evokes the classic crest of the old TV show and 1987’s movie Dragnet, it’s probably not by accident.

dragnet
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While this book is not so much a “buddy cup” comedy, it definitely draws a lot of comedic value from the fish-out-of-water scenario presented by an officer suddenly forced to work very closely with partners who have personalities and talents extremely at odds with his own. Side note: if you somehow missed the  movie Dragnet, starring a young Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd, it’s a great “bad-80’s-movie.”

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Getting back to Rutherford, it’s a fun read, watching Rutherford grow within his own team, even as his frustration at his position mounts. His team has a, let’s say “unique,” set of abilities that both add to the comedy, while also serving to drive the story forward, including a keeper of trained bees, an ex-Dutch special agent, and a mysterious ninja.

Final Thoughts:

If you’re a fan of Meyer’s other work, or of cop comedies like Dragnet, Starsky, and Hutch, Tango and Cash, Beverly Hills Cop, and so on, this book may be worth your time. I give it 3.5/5 stars!

Judith (NSFW) by Scott Hess

Posted on by knauff13

A self-described “really offensive” short story by Scott Hess. I take no credit or responsibility for the content of this story.

Judith sat there staring at the mailbox through the curtains of her living room window. The smell of rotting meat hung heavy in the air as swarms of flies circled around the piles of moldy-green beef and pork. Like little mountains, the mounds of warm flesh sat there on the filthy carpet surrounded by cigarette butts and crushed Diet Dr. Pepper cans. Judith was panting heavily. Not just because of her obesity but because today was Thursday and that was what Judith called her Meat Day.  “Sorry Mandy Moore I can’t feed ya now it’s my meat day. Gotta watch for the meat man.”  Mandy Moore was Judith’s beloved dog. Judith saw Mandy as a loving pet, but Mandy was more like a prisoner that had mistakenly snuck into the small house through the chimney and had been unable to escape for the last 2 years. Mandy Moore was not named after the singer/actress that Judith was unaware of and was actually a large male raccoon. Mandy led a miserable life. He hated Judith and the Dorito crumbs she fed him. He was never abused by her but the unsanitary conditions were slowly weakening him, poisoning his furry body every day. Mandy often prayed to Raccotrix, the raccoon God for guidance and help to no avail. At this moment Mandy just sat on his shoebox, reading a 1994 People Magazine, harshly judging Judith for the ritual that was about to play out.

For the next 20 minutes Judith nervously drummed her fingers on her sweaty thighs and made small talk with Charvis Brisco, sitting next to her on the sofa. Charvis Brisco was a pile of laundry that Judith thought was a charming Italian Immigrant that married her in the late 80’s. Among her many other issues, Judith had very poor eyesight and thought the soiled linens were a handsome but quiet lover. Mandy was always quite disturbed when Judith interacted with Charvis, especially when she disrobed and made love to him on Monday mornings. Why she never figured out the true nature of her husband, even when she had to reassemble him after love-making remained a mystery that Mandy couldn’t comprehend. On one occasion, while rubbing her genitals against what was once a pair of sweatpants, Judith accidentally moaned the name of another lover “Gubbert” in a moment of ecstasy. When Charvis elicited no response, Judith assumed that he didn’t hear and that she dodged a bullet. Who or what Gubbert actually was remains a mystery to this day, but Mandy vowed never to go near the stuffed SpongeBob ever again.

Around 3 pm the Burton’s Meats truck pulled up and Judith jumped to attention. Caught up in the moment, a dribble of pee escaped Judith and quickly soaked her large diabetic panties. Judith waddled over to the stairs and in her usual manner, closed her eyes and fell down them. She could not think of a quicker and easier way to descend the staircase and her fatty limbs were usually unharmed from the tumble. Today was different however, and Judith broke most of her remaining teeth. Judith didn’t care. She wouldn’t need them for the meat. All that mattered was the meat and getting it right now. She barely even noticed the blood pooling in her mouth.

Just as the deliveryman stepped out of his truck she was there waiting. Hunched over, spitting blood, dripping in sweat and piss she stood before him. “Hello ma’am, is everything ok?” He asked her not out of concern, but out of a morbid curiosity. “Hello Tyrese.. got my meats for me?”  “Yes ma’am, I have a package for you but please call me Thomas. That is my name.” It was then that he began to smell the urine so he quickly ran to the back of the truck, pulled out three boxes and threw them at Judith. “Have a lovely day ma’am” Thomas politely said as he smiled and hurried back into the truck. “Thanks for the meats Jamal!” Judith yelled. She looked down at the boxes but something seemed off. There were three boxes instead of two she regularly got. “Trombone come back, you made a mistake!” She screamed but it was too late. Thomas was already speeding away.

As she sat down on the sofa next to Charvis she picked up the third, smaller box and held it close to her beady little hazy eyes. “Bonus – Free Gift” was printed on the box. “I got a bonus meats Charvis because I’m a good customer!” she explained to Charvis. Mandy stood up and began to walk out of the room. He had seen the ritual before. Too many times.

Judith turned on the stereo and hit play on the Dance Mix cassette that she had re-labeled “Meat Mix”. As the opening chords of Straight Up by Paula Abdul played, Judith was already disrobed and tearing into the first box. “Beef -Assorted Clippings.” She laid there on the sofa completely nude, squealing with glee. Judith filled ever nook and cranny, every flap and roll with various pieces of raw, ground beef. Most of her skin was too greasy for the meat to stick. She had great difficulty getting the filets to stay in her hairy armpits today but wasn’t deterred. The meat ritual was an emotional roller coaster and by the time Step By Step started, she was crying with pieces of ribeye falling out of her vagina. After an hour, Judith stood up and grabbed the second box, “Pork – Soft, Ground”.

Judith laid there in the bathtub. This portion of the ritual was quieter and more peaceful. She inserted her second Meat Mix cassette into the stereo, this one was actually Professor Javier Mesquela’s “Learning Mandarin for Spanish Speakers.” Judith thought the professor’s voice sounded peaceful and it calmed her. Judith took handfuls of the mushy pork and jammed it into her eyes, ears, and nose. She rubbed the pork on her face and into her scalp. It was important for her to become one with the pork. Judith nodded off and urinated on herself once again. She awoke as Professor Mesquela’s Lesson 8 – Adjectivos came to a close.

Feeling refreshed, Judith returned to the living room. Still nude, pieces of the now-warm meats fell from her body to the floor. It was time to see what was in the third box.

Judith slowly opened the cardboard box and peeled back the tissue paper within. A dozen or so small pieces of chocolate was inside with a small note that read, “To our favorite customer. Please enjoy our new, pork truffles”. Judith began to drool a combination of hot slobber and blood from her broken teeth. She grabbed a handful of the candies and shoveled them into her mouth, moaning and gumming them with her tongue. She instantly felt weak and fainted, smashing her head on the coffee table as she fell. A minute later she awoke, choking and struggling to breathe. She grabbed at her chest as her lungs and heart tightened up. Her eyes filled with tears and her stomach was turning in knots. Judith loudly belched, then farted. Violently, gallons of hot, bloody feces shot out of her ass and sprayed the television and recliner behind her. She turned to her side and the shit fountain shot high into the air and covered Charvis who was unfortunately in the splash zone. Judith shrieked and curled into the fetal position as intestines and organs abruptly shot out of her anus and across the room. With a quick jolt and whimper she seized up and died. A small fart crept out and her body laid still.

The sun had set and the house was dark. Mandy picked up the phone and began to dial. “Thomas, it is done. Thank you my angel, I love you.” Thomas replied, “Finally we can be together. You are my stars and moon.” “You are my bright, shining King. You complete me” Mandy said. The two agreed to meet at the rendezvous point, a Denny’s, for coffee and desert. It was over. She was finally dead. Before leaving the house, Mandy knelt before his shrine to Raccotrix and thanked his God for the strength to finally free himself from this nightmare. He held a trinket in his small hand, an amulet depicting the son of Raccotrix… The Great Raccusamal, Opener of Trash Cans and Crosser of Streets. He closed the door behind him, got into Judith’s Ford Taurus, and turned the key. As he looked back through the mirror he started looking forward to his new life with Thomas. The house they would buy in Cape Cod, their children, and growing old together. A tear of happiness fell from his cheek.

The End

…

Epilogue

Raccotrix looked down upon Mandy Moore and smiled. “Raccusamal, the chosen one is finally free. Tell the others to prepare the relics of Racconsis.” Raccusamal looked up at his father and nodded. “Finally the reign of mankind comes to an end. The day of Racconisence is upon us!” “Not yet, my son there is much work to be done” Raccotrix explained. “Send word to our commanders on earth to gather all of the chocolates and roach poison they can find!  We are now at war!” Raccusamal nodded and began to walk down the golden hallway. He stopped and looked back at his father, perplexed. “Our followers, where will they find the supplies they need to kill the humans?” Raccotrix looked at his son with a knowing smile. “Where else, my dear son… Tell them to look where they have always looked. In the middle of the street.” “Yes of course, father. Of course!”

Little Sisters

Posted on by knauff13

Steve knew he wasn’t like most other boys his age growing up. He played sports with his friends, and even occasionally played pretty well in pickup basketball, but his heart really wasn’t in it.

He did better than average in school; just enough A’s and B’s so people knew he was smart, but the occasional C thrown in, so people knew he didn’t try too hard.

He had a few “good” friends, but no one he hung out with every day. He was the type of guy who always seemed to show up at big parties, though no one in particular remembered inviting him, and he never made a big impression. That was the way he liked it. Being at the periphery of the fold rather than right under the bright light focus of his classmates’ lives.

What Steve really loved to do, was to go home after a long day of school, and hang out with his six little sisters.

Most days were sort of a blur of distracted daydreams; cascading fragmented blurs of people and events moving through his conscious thoughts. But at home, after school, he came alive when he saw his little sisters.

Steve didn’t always feel this way. If he was being honest, he’d spent long months being annoyed with his little sisters. When his mom brought them home, he’d first thought they were like ugly, misshapen, little raisin-people. Never doing anything helpful and always taking everyone’s attention.

But, of course, eventually they’d grown on him. Big brothers always come around, at least a little bit. So, eventually he looked forward to it, going home after school and talking to them, hearing their adorable little views on the world, watching TV (not too much, though), playing games, reading books… Mostly Steve read to them, of course, but occasionally he waited patiently as they worked their way through their favorite little girl books. He didn’t care. It was just so nice to spend time with them.

Stella was always talking about some little boy she clearly fancied, and Steve would tease her about it. Sarah was always running around yelling and screaming about God knows what, and loved to play tag. Sam wanted to play sports outside every day her favorite was playing soccer with Steve and her sisters. Sophie liked to sit down and have tea parties. Scout would never stop reading and loved to prove she could read chapter books even though most girls her age could barely read. And Summer was too small to do a lot of things, but mostly she loved walking around in her big brother’s footsteps, whenever he was at home, giggling at his jokes even when she didn’t get them, and screaming with joy when Steve chased her down and tickled her stomach and armpits.

—

17 years after high school ended, Steve was 35, and considered himself a bit old-fashioned. He wasn’t going to bars every weekend, or trying to flirt with all of his co-workers. If he was being honest, he didn’t really care much for romantic entanglements, female or otherwise. He’d had a few dates over the years, but it never lasted long; certainly not after any more than a few visits to his house. Steve guessed it was probably because he still lived in his parent’s house. Which wasn’t fair really.They didn’t still live there, and it wasn’t his fault he’d been left the property in the will with the market bottomed out. It was insensible to sell it for those prices.

Anyway, it didn’t really matter. Steve would still rather hang out with his sisters almost every day of the week. Just he and his sisters, who were all still as blissfully unattached as Steve was. Except Stella. Occasionally Stella got a little whiny about her lack of prospects, but once Steve reminded her that he was there for her, she usually calmed down.

So, this is still what Steve most looked forward to, almost every day after work. It was his tradition. Just him and his sisters. Against the world. And all of these thoughts were in his head Friday afternoon, as he walked home after another long week. He walked up to his parents’ old squat brick mid-century ranch house, cracked open the glossy brown front door, and tossed his satchel on top of his loafers just inside the door.

Grabbing a Coke from the fridge, he wandered down the hallway to his bedroom and shut the door. Stella was on the shelf over his desk where he’d left her. Frowning, Steve walked over, picked her up, and brushed her sweatshirt back up onto her shoulder. She wasn’t going to be naughty on his watch. He looked down at Sophie, with her tiny tea set, and thought, “this is probably going to be a tea party kind of day.” It was a long week of ponderous meetings at work, and he wasn’t sure he had the energy to keep up with Sam’s games or Sarah’s antics. Scout would probably just sit with her nose in a book no matter what everyone else did, and Summer would do whatever Steve said. So, tea party, it was. Steve picked up Summer, and, after parting her blonde hair just the way he liked it, set her down next to Sophie at the tiny set. Steve walked to the windowsill and changed Sam into her tennis outfit. Then, after handing Scout the next Boxcar Children book, and tucking her into bed next to the lamp, he sat down next to Sophie and Summer at the table.

“Time for gossip,” he said, picking up his pink plastic teacup. “Who’s been bad today?”

(Originally posted on Geeks and Geeklets)

Insane Ramblings of an 18-Year-Old College Student

Posted on by knauff13

Thirty-eight thoughts on school, sports, love, Carson McCullers, and the deep questions of life.

Writing 111 Journal Entries

1/18/05

If I were a rock star, I would be able to spend much more money than the meager savings I have accumulated through summer work. Instead of saving my quarters for a bag of chips I could be buying a factory to make chips of my own, specified to my very tastes. Instead of paying money to go to school, I could be reaping the benefits of doing nothing but having fun and looking good! Alas it was not meant to be. I wonder how many bands have a guitarist who doesn’t know how to play (my first guess – many).

1/19/05

As much as it can be difficult to go out and exercise, it is beneficial in many ways to do so. Fortunately, the fabled “runner’s high” has some truth to it. I think most people who begin to exercise would quickly realize that it is much more enjoyable once you start. Hasn’t it even been proven that people who exercise are happier in general than people who aren’t?

1/20/05

If deer had wings I think the world would be a much happier and less violent place. They would be much too difficult to hunt for sport, with their agility combined with flying ability and increased lines of sight. This would discourage hunters, who would likely be unable to find game as suitable as deer to shoot. To my delight, roadways would also be much clearer, as the deer would probably take to the sky for travels as opposed to backwater roads.

1/21/05

If soccer was more popular in the United States, perhaps foreign nations would like us more. We would seem more similar to them, and therefore more down to earth. Perhaps they would compliment us on our ability to be successful rather than despise us for our differences.

1/22/05

How do we know that we all see things in the same way? Perhaps the color that I call yellow is really blue in someone else’s vision. How would we know? If my vision was the complete inverse of someone else’s, what I consider to be a light shade may even be a dark shade. Maybe to some people white people look darker and black people are fair-skinned.

1/23/05

If the Steelers win today, I will be overjoyed. Unfortunately, it is halftime and not looking pretty. I’m not looking forward to having to look at all of the Boston fans in the eye and say, “yea, your team appears to be better.” Hopefully they will make a comeback the likes of which have never been seen.

1/24/05

When did it become appropriate to wear clothing at all times? When did people decide that men could walk around shirtless but women couldn’t? I wonder if the rules of clothing will ever change. Maybe 1000 years from now, only our eyes, ears, and mouths will be exposed. On the other hand, maybe clothing will only be worn in inclement weather.

1/25/05

I am going to play soccer today and lift afterwards. I have to wonder if all of this activity is going to start showing up on my report card. Will my grades suffer, or will the increased activity help my brain to function properly? Really, I just hope I’m not screwing up by working hard.

1/26/05

Thankfully, I was able to turn in my add/drop card before the free deadline. I previously had Bowling on my schedule, but decided it wasn’t worth it after I learned that it cost $52. I figure that I’m already paying enough just to be here. The school doesn’t need an extra $52 from me, especially when my wallet is already paper thin.

1/27/05

I’m a total fan of rock music. I love just about any kind of it. Be it Cream, Zeppelin, AC/DC, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, whatever. It doesn’t much matter to me as long as it ‘rocks’. With that said, I have to say that I am pretty disgusted with the state of rock music today. Talentless fools dominate modern-rock airplay and I’m left to only classic rock stations to pick up the slack. When will the turnaround occur? Will it occur?

1/28/05

I am NOT looking forward to this weekend. Except for tonight, when I have a soccer game scheduled my weekend looks utterly horrible. Tomorrow I am working from 9-5:30 and Ill be doing exactly the same thing on Sunday. You might be thinking, “What? Oh, that’s not so bad.” You might be wrong. I work at a nursing home preparing food and washing dishes afterward. It’s probably one of the most disgusting jobs possible. I use it as inspiration to stay in school…

1/29/05

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig. Work wasn’t so bad. There are a couple cute girls working there now. But it is such a drag to be at home on a weekend like this. None of my friends are here. I have Carson McCullers and my family to keep me company. The TV is delightfully boring tonight. Anyway, 8 more hours of work and I’ll be back in wonderful New Wilmington!

1/30/04

It’s always nice to get back to school, where I’m comfortable. It’s crazy to think of how different that is from the beginning of the year. I used to go home on the occasional weekend to get a good night of sleep. Now it’s a relief to sleep in my nice comfortable college bed. Unfortunately, with all that work I’m going to have to scramble to get all of my writing homework done before Tuesday.

1/31/04

Relationships are a drag sometimes. Read: many times. Why is it that most things in the world that are worth anything take so much work? This one maybe really isn’t worth it. She just depresses me a lot. It’s a shame though because I’ve been dating her for a long time.

2/1/05

If I were a deaf/mute, I wonder how I would go about doing certain things. I would hate to learn sign language, either to read it or use it. Instead I think I would be much more interested in reading lips and attempting to speak without the use of my ears. At the very least I believe I would write messages down rather than sign them out. One good thing is that I would most likely not ever be encumbered by a telephone bill. Why would I need one?

2/2/05

I wonder sometimes about animal and insect civilizations. How consciously do they serve their leaders? if they are so unintelligent, how do they have leaders at all? I would love the opportunity to temporarily become an ant and infiltrate an anthill to see what there is to see and talk to other ants to find out what is going on. Would I be able to meet the queen, or would a soldier ant bar my entrance?

2/3/05

I want to invent a time machine so I can go back and watch some classic rock or even more recent bands perform live. Sure, there are more noble reasons for such an invention, but what could truly be more fun than going to see a Zeppelin concert live in the front row? Revival concerts just aren’t the same. The artists are too far removed from their work to perform it with the same conviction they once had.

2/4/05

This is pick-up weekend! Thankfully, I will be spared the anxiety of it all, as I won’t be pledging whether I’m invited to or not. The only fraternity I have even visited is Alpha Sigma Phi. They will probably invite me because I am a soccer player, but since I have no desire to ever live in the house I just don’t see how it would benefit me. I will content myself with an occasional visit on the weekends.

2/5/05

It’s a good thing that I decided not to pledge because I’m home anyway. My wallet remains thin as ever. I’m anxiously awaiting the day when money will start to appear in my bank account. Hopefully it will be sooner than later, because I feel that the frugal life doesn’t suit me. Bu then, maybe that’s why I’m in this situation in the first place.

2/6/05

Today is Super Bowl Sunday! I’m not even really a huge football fan, although I do watch the Steelers and sometimes a division rival every Sunday. Still, I have to wonder how long it will be until this is referred to as a national holiday. In many respects I think it already is that way, albeit without the title. I walked back into the dorms today and I honestly believe I was hearing the entire building watch the game at once. Does anything comparable happen on Presidents Day?

2/7/05

There is so much talk about the Patriots officially obtaining the status of “dynasty.” My sole question is:, “Who cares?” What’s in a title? And how do you but boundaries on a word like that? Apparently, three championships in four years will do it. It seems like a far cry from ancient empires that lasted for hundreds of years without break. If a civilization came into power for one year, lost control, then took it back for two more years, I hardly think it would be called a dynasty.

2/8/05

Why would anyone drink diet caffeine free Pepsi? It tastes bad. Despite its “diet” title, it really isn’t good for you. There is no caffeine so it won’t wake you up. It will stain your teeth. What is redeeming in such a drink? If its for the carbonation, I’m sure that there are drinks out there that are better for you. Sparkling water, perhaps?

2/9/05

Getting a cold is possibly one of the worst things about cold weather. I never realize how much I enjoy being healthy until I can’t breathe through my nose. Also, I think that there is some kind of rule that says when you have a cold, it is impossible to find a soft tissue. Abrasiveness is apparently what people look for when they go to buy tissues. Has the world gone crazy?

2/10/05

Valentine’s Day is everywhere. I think this is a good example of a holiday that has completely lost its meaning, even more so than Christmas. I wonder how large the percentage of people who don’t know the origins of Valentine’s Day is. I am certainly among that number. I just see a bunch of hearts and pink ribbons around, and know in my heart that no one in their right mind would invent a holiday to be like this. Perhaps commercialism is the root of everything here.

2/11/05

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter. I had mixed feelings starting this novel. Now that I am finished I agree with my original analysis. I’m not the type of reader who likes to go in for the “extra meanings.” My feeling is that in many cases the novel is simply a story and after it is written authors, scholars, and critics alike go back and infer all of these other meanings on it which were not intended in the first place. For my favorite example of this, see Lord of the Flies.

2/12/05

In some ways I think this is a novel for girls written by a girl. I’m not sure what exactly that means, but it’s like movies in a way. You always know when a movie has been released to target solely a female audience or solely a male audience. It’s not to say that either one is better, but the intentions make it less interesting for the opposite sex.

2/13/05

Despite my feelings about the novel in and of itself, I think Mick is a good universal example of adolescence. Obviously, she’s a girl, but many of the problems she faces (relationships with the opposite sex, abandoning childhood) are not unique to girls. Also, Mick’s aspirations with music parallels with the thousands of kids who dream of becoming pro athletes, only to have their hopes dashed when they realize how unlikely it is, for whatever reason.

2/14/05

Although Mick’s aspirations are clearly hurt by poverty, how likely is it that she would have ever had a real career as a musician? There are millions of people who play an instrument or sing, but only a select few of them ever make money at it. No one can deny that Mick has noble goals, but I question the reality of what she wants. The novel would suggest that Mick could clearly become the next Mozart if given a chance. Who’s to say she wouldn’t just become a good pianist?

2/15/05

Finally, all of the hearts will be gone for a year. Hearts could be my least favorite decoration. They don’t even vaguely resemble an actual heart. I wonder where the shape of a heart came from if not reality. Was it just a random shape that someone decided to start calling a heart? Regardless of my complaints, I guess no one else really cares that the heart design isn’t realistic.

2/16/05

It’s amazing that media is such a large part of our culture that a movie can make 300 million dollars in theater ticket sales. If a movie makes $300 million tickets cost $10 each, one in ten people in the United States went to see it. That is an amazing figure when you imagine all of the different types of people who must have gone to that movie.

2/17/05

Pennies should be eliminated from currency. No one uses them except to give change or save enough money to trade for a dollar. Most of the time when I receive any amount of money I’m thrilled, but if I ever get a penny it’s just a pain. It doesn’t even matter if the amount of the pennies I receive is greater than say, a nickel or quarter, because I’m so depressed to have to carry that much.

2/18/05

TitanNet is very annoying. I don’t understand the need for it. No matter how much networking it provides, it isn’t worth the powerless virus-blocking software and inept web browser. Half of the websites I want to go to show up with nothing but a nearly blank white screen that says “504: Bad Connection,” or something like that. What the heck is 504? Fortunately, TitanNet never blocks mainstream websites such as Yahoo!, where I check my main email…Oh, wait…

2/19/05

In this technological age, I wonder how long it will be until we buy a copy of a textbook online, and read it page for page using the web browser. It would save me energy, save the forests, and save me money, because production costs for the book company would be nearly cut out. It seems to me that enough people have their own computer today that it would be reasonable to do something like that.

2/20/05

I am totally drained from this weekend. I had two workdays in a row that I had to get up at 5:30 in the morning for. Tonight, I’m going to just go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 9 tomorrow morning. That is, if I can stay awake until then. Five hours seems like a long time to wait for this tired soul. The bottoms of my feet even hurt from standing so long!

2/21/05

This weather is disgusting; snow mixed with rain. If I ever move to a more southerly state, you can bet that it will be for a change in weather. It would be better If it was always warm in Pennsylvania, or even always cold The problem is that from day to day (and hour to hour), you never know what it will be like outside. Just last week it went from seventy degrees one day to 40 on the next and snowing most of the rest of the week. It’s difficult to deal with at college, because all of my summer clothes are at home. The second I think it is warm enough to go home and trade clothes, it’s too cold to wear a t-shirt.

2/22/05

I feel that I can relate to Mick a lot when it comes to music. I consider myself to be obsessive at times about it. Now, my musical tastes center on rock and reach outward from there, but I have a deep respect for every kind of music, including Mick’s choice of classical. Unfortunately, I don’t have the talent to dream of becoming a musician one day, but that will never stop me from listening with an open heart and open mind.

2/23/05

I can’t imagine what it would be like to be thrown into the streets today. If a second Great Depression occurred for some reason, and I was left without a home I believe that I would go crazy; however maybe the human soul is more enduring than I would believe. Maybe I would become a better person for the experience. Nevertheless, I don’t think anyone can deny that the shock of something would have serious and lasting effects.

2/24/05

Economics is the most made-up piece of crap class that I ever remember taking. In our first class we had an hour discussion about the “opportunity cost” of going to Pittsburgh. Now, it’s one thing to discuss what you might lose out on, but Econ takes it a step further. For some reason, it is necessary in Economics to establish fictional number values to anything, such as happiness. For instance, in a recent class I was told that “Matt receives “24 happiness” out of vanilla ice cream.” How do I deal with that kind of  (insert expletive here) without losing my mind?